Why Everything We Call "Unconditional Love" Is Still Conditional

And what real love actually looks like

We're confused about love. Often, what we call "unconditional love" isn't unconditional at all.

Take romantic love. That's passionate, intense, but clearly depends on attraction, shared values, how we're treated. When those change, the love changes or disappears.

Friendship love? Also conditional. Based on mutual care, shared experiences, giving and receiving. When someone repeatedly hurts us or stops showing up, we pull back. That's normal.

Even the love we're told is most unconditional, between partners who promise "for better or worse", has limits. Abuse, betrayal, or complete neglect will eventually break those bonds.

But there's something else. Something deeper.

The love I feel for my children comes closest to what unconditional actually means. It doesn't depend on their behaviour or achievements. It simply exists. Even if they would truly disappoint me, that love would remain. But, even this isn't the deepest layer.

Sometimes love arises that doesn't need any object at all. It's not love FOR someone, it's love as a state of being. It pours forth whether there's anyone to receive it or not.

This kind of love often carries an edge of sorrow. Like grief, but without loss. It's love with nowhere to land.

Here's what blocks us from experiencing this deeper love.

We avoid pain. We close our hearts to protect ourselves from sorrow, disappointment, heartbreak. This makes sense when facing physical danger... you should avoid the cliff edge.

But when we avoid emotional pain, we also block our capacity to feel love fully.

Even our therapy rooms reflect this bias. As psychologist Bayo Akomolafe observes, therapy spaces "are not designed for grieving, they're designed for productivity." We want people functioning, not feeling. Grief gets in the way of keeping the machine running.

The heart doesn't discriminate. It's either open or closed. When we shut down to sorrow, we simultaneously shut down to love. Our protective strategies against pain become barriers to connection.

We end up with conditional openness, which creates conditional love.

What if the path to deeper love requires befriending sorrow?

Not seeking it out, but not running from it either. Allowing the heart to stay open even when it hurts. Recognizing that love and sorrow are intimately connected.

When someone dies, we feel grief because love remains but has nowhere to go. The pain isn't the absence of love, it's love itself, with no place to land.

Maybe that edge of sorrow in deeper love isn't a problem to solve. Maybe it's love's natural quality when it doesn't depend on return. Stop trying to make conditional love unconditional. Romantic love, friendships, even self love... these will always have conditions. That's not failure, it's honest.

Instead, tend these relationships well while staying open to something deeper. A love that doesn't need to be earned, returned, or even received.

The very defences that keep us "safe" from heartbreak are what keep us from experiencing love fully.

This is territory I find endlessly rich to explore in my work... how we might stay present with the full spectrum of feeling without reflexively closing down. Not seeking pain, but not running from it when it naturally arises.